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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29149074">The Downward Spiral</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wastelandbabyx/pseuds/wastelandbabyx'>wastelandbabyx</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Feelings Realization, Feels, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, NIN, One Shot, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Relationship Discussions, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide mention</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:01:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29149074</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wastelandbabyx/pseuds/wastelandbabyx</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Whoever would’ve guessed the intransigent street kid would have ever fallen from grace? She’d sat and counted her blessings on repeat, pondered close calls, and mulled over opportunities and things she couldn’t change. Misery was hell of a business, and V may as well be investing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Johnny Silverhand/Female V, Johnny Silverhand/V</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Downward Spiral</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Put some iron in your mouth and pull the trigger.
</i>
</p><p>Whoever would’ve guessed the intransigent street kid would have ever fallen from grace? She’d sat and counted her blessings on repeat,  pondered close calls, and mulled over opportunities and things she couldn’t change. Misery was hell of a business, and V may as well be investing. </p><p>“You been quiet lately, but your head keeps swarmin’. What’s eating at ya?”</p><p><i>Besides you?</i> The joke fell flat as V pressed her lips together, her hand reaching to grasp the neck of a liquor bottle that sat near as she stared up into the night sky, ignoring Johnny as he materialized into real time near her. Leaning against a nearby AC vent, she caught the soft, orange glow in her peripherals as he lit up a cigarette, waiting for an answer she wasn’t certain she wanted to give. </p><p>Lifting the bottle to her lips, V quickly grimaced, noting that it was empty. She’d managed to finish off the entirety of the bottle in just her short sitting, and it pissed her off. She wasn’t done trying to drown her sorrows. </p><p>“Fuck!”</p><p>Pulling herself up onto unsteady feet, she slung the empty bottle off from the apartment rooftop, pausing to listen as it made contact elsewhere before fumbling to sit back down. It was a poor sight, not that Johnny had any right to critique, but something about V getting intoxicated off her ass up above her flat just didn’t quite suit her. She looked like something the gutters had washed out downtown; not a pretty sight. </p><p>“Feelin’ better now?”</p><p>Giving a heavy sigh, V refused to dignify the rocker with a response. Letting her head loll backwards, she instead stared upwards, her gaze searching across the twinkling stars. Shining so bright, like tiny bullet holes fired into a black canvas. There was probably something philosophical there, but V was too tired and too drunk to pinpoint exactly what. </p><p>From beside her, she could hear a mirrored sigh. Heavy and agitated, and she had to repress the urge to give a drunken laugh. Good, let him be mad. He was the reason she was in this mess. Johnny was, as per usual, all to blame. Only in this instance, he had nothing to lose, and only everything to gain. It was an unfair game, something rigged right from the start. </p><p>“You can’t just ignore me, ya know.”</p><p>“Yes, Johnny. I’m aware. You’ve made that <i>perfectly</i> fuckin’ clear.”</p><p>“Hey, what’s your damn problem? You’ve been sulking around, haven’t even tried to get any leads on the Arasaka case. Just been findin’ your solutions in the gutter. It’s like you’ve just.. given up.”</p><p>“Heh. Seemed to work just fine for you. I’ve seen your memories, and you really wanna preach to me about where I go to find my solutions? Fuck off, Johnny.”</p><p> “You really wanna go there?”</p><p>Johnny’s tone was low, and threatening. However before V could retort, her head began pulsing, like someone had taken a vice to her brain. Blinding, hot, agonizing pain that that made her feel like she wanted to crawl out from underneath her own skin. Johnny was doing this to her, and she cursed his name aloud as she writhed on the cold, hard concreted roof. </p><p>When he finally released his invisible grasp, V used what little strength she had left in her to roll over, and promptly expelled the remaining contents of her stomach. Coughing and spitting once she was done, she laid back on her back, breathing heavy as the world spun around her. She felt unsteady, yearning for something to grasp for but came up empty. Until Johnny appeared, crouching over her as one hand slid the dark shaded aviators from off his eyes. </p><p>She couldn’t tell for certain, but he almost looked a little sure of himself. Like she was a little bug he’d just stomped out, now ready to examine his handywork. </p><p>“Can we talk now?” </p><p>“..fu.. fuck.. y-..”</p><p>The words refused to come in time as V coughed and choked, inhaling sharply as she tried to get her grasp back on reality. She wouldn’t have gotten so fucked up if she’d known Johnny was to pull some shit like this. The plan was for everything to be quick, easy, and above all, painless. Not like this. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Fuck me. Heard it all before, V. Now come on.”</p><p>Johnny reached to help V steady herself, the cold touch of his arm seeming almost too real in the moment, and she couldn’t help but to recoil, though sloppily. Her intoxication was causing her resolve to weaken, and despite her better efforts to keep them contained, tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. Glistening embers in the reflection of the night, and V soon found herself spilling her guts. </p><p>“I’m.. im just tired, Johnny. Tired.. of it all. So much bloodshed. So much bullshit. And for what? To count my days limited? Fuck. I just.. I want to be in control.. of atleast one fuckin’ thing in my life.”</p><p>As her words trailed off, she buried her shame in the palms of her hands, willing everything in her to just be able to disappear from the world.. and Johnny. She had everything planned out, except for the damn pseudoendotrizine. Something that’d suppress the rocker long enough for her to work up the courage to put a gun to her temple, and pull the trigger.</p><p>Because of course, above all, she was a fucking coward. Scared to face the truth, and Johnny. </p><p>“V..” </p><p>A loss for words, though her name hung in the space between them. It was then she knew. He’d finally pieced it all together, and like an unwelcome guest his words circulated her head again. She couldn’t shut it down fast enough before Johnny was at her side, clamping a hand down on her shoulder. Instinctively turning towards him, V noticed he was still no longer adorning the black aviators, no longer hiding behind pieces of himself. </p><p>“I didn’t mean that. Well, maybe then.. but not now.”</p><p>“You.. sure about that, Johnny?”</p><p>“Jesus, V. Come on. Didn’t think you were so goddamn weak. Just gonna roll over on your back, and let em’ win?”</p><p>“Heh.. let who win, Johnny? Arasaka? Hate to break it to ya, but they already have.”</p><p>Bitterness. An unpleasant feeling, but V still continued anyway as she gave a humorous smile, her finger tapping the side of her temple, near where the chip had been implanted. She hated herself for it. Saw the brief flash of emotion in Johnny’s dark gaze before he was able to compose himself, turning instead to gaze out into the dark as his hand slowly retracted back into his lap. </p><p>Maybe he’d leave her alone, and she’d finally be able to lay this all to rest. But the seconds ticked by, and Johnny did nothing but sit quietly by. V could feel the alcohol running through her depressing her central nervous system, making her feel drowsy. She was growing tired, physically, but her soul yearned for a different kind of rest. </p><p>“You know what? If that’s how you wanna play your cards, fine.. but just make it quick. Don’t wanna be waitin’ around for another century before you decide.”</p><p>While his voice inflection held a twinge of clear irritation, V felt.. something else. A strange sensation that didn’t quite belong to her. One of.. dread? Fear? She couldn’t place it, and struggled with it for several moments before she realized whatever it was, it belonged to Johnny. </p><p>Coward. Through and through, V. </p><p>“I..”</p><p>V started, then sighed softly. Trying to find the words through her inebriated haze was like trying to find a pinneedle in a haystack, but she’d try and manage.</p><p>“I.. don’t want to, Johnny. Not really. I’m just.. tired, and I’m scared..”</p><p>He gave a dry chuckle, turning to stare back to V, his expression unreadable. Leave it to her to not be able to decipher the man who lives in her own head.</p><p>“Think I don’t know that already? Can feel you just about shakin’ in your boots with every attack, or every close call.. but you know what, V? I’m scared, too. Being in your head, of all places. Sometimes I go to this dark place, and I get this strange feeling. Like I’m missing something..</p><p>But then I wake up, and I realize where I am, and that you’re there. And I feel better again.” </p><p>Johnny gave a gentle shake of his head as he stared downward, almost as if in disbelief of his words. But V sensed no deception, no knee-jerk feeling that Johnny was just being his typical asshole self. No, this was something much deeper than that. Something beyond them both, and whether she wanted to admit it to not, she’d grown to feel the same way. </p><p>The quiet spaces in her head just wouldn’t feel the same without Johnny around. </p><p>What a mess she’d made of them both. Wiping away the dampness from a corner of her eye, V scooted in closer towards Johnny, leaning her head on his shoulder as they stared out into the depths of night city. No more words were exchanged between the two for the rest of the night, and when V had opened her eyes once more she found the warmth of the sun against her skin, and her cheek pressed against cool concrete. Neither Johnny nor the pistol she swore she’d had were anywhere to be found as she drug herself back to her apartment. </p><p>Nibbles greeted her presence with a quiet mewl before returning back to the comfort of the laundry basket, leaving V to collapse onto the bed. Drifting in and out of consciousness, she could feel her hand slide across the sheet, searching and grasping for something, but coming up empty. Atleast until the cold touch of something startled her back to consciousness just long enough to see Johnny laying in bed near her, his hand gently grasped in hers.</p><p>
  <i>And I feel better again.</i>
</p>
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